This
month, we share the stories of those carrying the weight of invisible
illnesses. From a student who is coping with Dissociative Identity Disorder to a freelancer to is managing her mood disorders,
these brave individuals shoulder the weight of their mental health difficulties
that are unseen to the world.
This week, we interview a news producer who chose to stay on the grind despite suffering from a debilitating anxiety disorder, and find out how he is able to balance his mental health with stressful work responsibilities.
Names
have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
Shaiful’s
story:
Four
years ago, I suddenly had a panic attack. I hyperventilated while watching a
movie. It was a thriller, but it wasn’t the worst I’ve seen. Only realised a
few years later about the incident mean as a lot of things was going on my mind
back then. Since then, I’ve been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
I’m on medication and have been seeing a psychiatrist.
I’m in
a constant state of worry and anxiety. It doesn’t have to be anything in
particular. I’d worry about life in general, such as about financial issues,
whether I’ve let my parents down, if am I good enough for my job, and whether I
find a life partner, etc. The anxiety gets worse when something happens, or if
I’m anticipating something. I’d be punishing myself very hard for perceived
incompetence, and question myself if I’m up for the task that’s coming up.
I also
have difficulties speaking in crowds, or articulating my ideas. In the past, I
was a physical instructor back in National Service, and I had to take training
sessions or parade ceremonies with over 100+ people. Public speaking was not a
big issue back then compared to today.
Motivated
to excel
I’m
currently a news producer, so I work under a lot of pressure with tight
deadlines. I was a TV reporter and a newspaper journalist before this. I’ve
been in this industry for about six years since I graduated with a degree in PR
and journalism.
It came
to a point when I’ve considered multiple times of making a career switch,
perhaps to take a job that has a slower pace. But I’ve been aspiring to do what
I do for a very long time, so that has been a motivation for me to remain at my
job.
It’s a
constant struggle with my condition. At work, there are okay days, and there
are bad days. It’s quite cut-throat in my company, and I tend to get complacent
if I tell myself I’m having a good day.
Some
people have a writer’s block, but I have is an anxious writer’s block.
Especially as I’m on medication, I have to put in extra effort to articulate my
ideas, both verbally and in writing. Some days, I make simple errors, which I’d
then beat myself up for.
Strategies
to relax and remain resilient
Initially,
going to work was a struggle. I’d dread myself out of bed every morning. I’ve
exhausted my sick leave many times. But it gets better gradually, and it helps
to have close friends at work. I joke around and take things easy whenever I
can, because I can’t do that with most of my colleagues.
For my
condition, I’d face difficulties breathing. I realised how much breathing
affects the body and mind. Whenever I’m anxious about anything, I’d start to
breathe heavily. So I’d try to calm down by doing some breathing exercises.
I also
take breaks as much as I can, even if they’re short breaks. Most times I have
to take breaks anyway as I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which is very
common with GAD.
Every
few weeks or months, I’d have phases of extreme fatigue. I’d sleep a lot, even
on weekends. I won’t want to go out at all. That’s when I’ll know I need a
break because even resting and doing nothing over the weekend doesn’t help. I’d
try to take anywhere from three days to a week of leave if I can. I don’t have
to go anywhere – I’ll just rest at home, where I can recharge both physically
and mentally.
Accepting
the stigmas
The
stigma regarding mental health is true, and most people won’t understand. In
fact, I’ve had people telling me that I’m using it as an excuse. Even my
parents – they know of my condition, but they would always just tell me to pray
and be closer to god. But in reality, even the most pious people can be down
with this condition. Would they say that those people have gone astray from
religious?
I don’t
hate my parents or the people who don’t understand the condition. As the saying
goes, “People fear what they don't understand.” I’ve just resigned to the fact
that it’s just how it is – at least in Singapore currently.
My
current employer does not know of my condition, and I don’t intend on sharing.
There’s still that stigma about mental health, which I think is still
prevalent. My superiors during reservist also don’t know that I have GAD, as
I’d have to give up my vocation as a trainer and be redeployed to a desk job if
I tell them. Basically, any history of mental problems, past or present, will
result in my redeployment.
However,
in my previous job, my boss knew about my condition. She was very understanding
with my last-minute MCs, weekly appointments with my psychiatrist, and the
occasional missed deadlines. So that helped a lot.
Persistence
to improve
It
really helps a lot that you have at least one person who knows of your
condition, with whom you can talk to. Not just about the condition, but
everything in life. I’m very fortunate to have a best friend, who’s my go-to
therapist free-of-charge.
Avoid
caffeine as much as you can as it induces anxiety. It’s very hard for me till
this day as I’m a hardcore coffee-lover. But I’ve had to cut down
coffee-drinking to mornings and weekends and switch to decaf.
Keeping
yourself occupied also helped a lot. When I keep myself occupied, I have a
lesser capacity to worry about other things. Exercising helps too.
If
you’re struggling with a mental health crisis, don’t hesitate to reach out for
help:
-
Institute of Mental Health’s Mental Health Helpline (6389-2222)
-
Samaritans of Singapore (1800-221-4444)
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